Categories Addiction, From party to purpose

Sometimes I want a quiet life, other times I want to go a little bit fucking Gatsby…

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Sometimes I want a quiet life, other times I want to go a little bit fucking Gatsby…

This picture was taken last summer in Ibiza whilst I was still smashing the back doors off my old hedonistic lifestyle. It’s still early on in the day here as I’m still standing & I don’t look like I’ve just been dug up with a shovel! I can’t express how much I love my new life & I wouldn’t change it for the world, but I’m not going to lie. Occasionally I still get cravings & the urge to partake in my old self indulgent ways. To have one ‘last party’, but I know it would never be a one time only deal. I can’t help it, I’m still an addict after all. These days though I’m inactive, like an old volcano that used to erupt causing absolute fucking chaos & destroying everything in my wake…

We as humans, especially addicts, have a really bad habit of glamorizing the past & forgetting all the godawful times. The days we were on deaths door step, the debilitating hangovers, the agonizing anxiety, the maniacal mood swings, the crippling fear, the solitude, the seemingly never ending nights of desperation, the misfortune & mess we used to create for ourselves…
We subconsciously start to remember only the good times, when we had it all together (or thought we did), especially as time goes on. Often we question if we had a problem in the first place, even when all the evidence is pointing with big guns blazing to an almighty fucking YES!!! Sound familiar??? You’re not alone. This is our addiction trying to reel us back in like a fish on a hook, before it guts us & feeds us to the fucking sharks…
I am frequently presented with things that would trigger the old self destructive me, but fortunately it seems she’s gone. I can finally resist temptation. I remind myself often of how far I’ve come on my journey to become the best version of myself, physically, mentally & spiritually & how I’d be insane to risk going back. I now consume copious amounts of coconuts instead of cocaine & tell myself each & every day that recovery delivers everything addiction promised me…& then some! This life, this new clean life, is nothing short of fucking beautiful…

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